Monday, July 25, 2011
Finding a Relationship with my Voice
Following one trail after another, not knowing where the next one will take me. Within moments I knew Mt. Tabor would be a refuge for me when I need grounding and clearing. I come to yet another intersection of paths to the right of me after about 30 minutes of walking. My mind tells me to keep heading straight, but my heart says otherwise. I take the right turn and find myself thankful to have followed my intuition. My eyes are guided to the view of a small cluster of trees. Despite the cloudy day, a few sun rays are able to pierce through the leaves as if they were highlighting the small meadow of grass and wildflowers below. The trees seem to be strategically placed as if they were forming half of an arc. The calming and protecting energy of the scene continues to lure me forward until I feel the need to drop my backpack and take a seat in front of the three giants.
I nestle my bottom into the ground as if it cradles me like a saddle. While softly gazing at a yellow flower at the base of a tree, I notice the trees for what they are. The trunks are steadfast and confident of their strength, yet the branches move effortlessly with the wind. I am immediately reminded of the divine strength within me, yet the need to stay flexible and willing to flow.
After a few moments of appreciation, my hands are guided to scan the energy of my body. The sensory receptors of my palm immediately perceive the cool energy of my throat and solar plexus in comparison to my other chakras.
Without hesitation, I start to chant. An awkward and soft higher tone comes from my mouth then transitions into a lower tone. I stop and look around in embarrassment. Where did that come from? More importantly, why in the hell am I singing funny notes in the middle of a forest like a hippie? I look around to see if anyone heard. No one was in near proximity besides my dog. I continue to sing, “ahhhh” in various tones, noticing how each tone resonates with a part of my body. The embarrassment lightens up within a few moments. My voice remains soft.
An image vaguely comes to my mind as another tone is emitted from my mouth. I am sitting in the corner of my closet once again. Tucking my legs close to my body. The door is shut. They are fighting again. Yet another argument that will lead to a divorce that never happens. Curse words, threats, hateful things that should never come from a human mouth vibrate through the walls and into me. I know the neighbors can hear. My bedroom closet frequently became my sanctuary as a child in order to escape. I start singing hymns that I had created with my imagination. I immediately start feeling connected and protected. I know He is with me. I continue singing louder and louder. At some point I don’t even remember where I am at, and I feel distant to the situation at hand.
“Shut the F*** up!” my father screams at me while banging on the door. The authoritative shout wakes me from my trance and fear resides once again. He was a saint to me despite witnessing a few moments of madness throughout my life. A moment of silence occurs between him and my mother. They continue on with the never-ending verbal war.
I do not remember singing much after that besides in places I was allowed to such as a church choir. The few voice lessons that I received were soon forgotten. I remember a sense of pure joy that illuminated my being when I sang. I was not the best singer by far, but people definitely noticed the physical change when I sang. Of course I didn’t understand what they were talking about at such a young age. My mother used to proudly tell her friends how much I sang as a baby. I would sing instead of crying myself to sleep. Everyone knew I was awake in the morning when they heard me singing in my crib. As a kid I would put on talent shows for my parents.
Years have passed, and although I have transitioned to a physical expression through dance, my voice remains subdued. I speak my mind with most everyone, but only truly open up to a few people that I trust. Even that is changing now. When I do speak, it is often soft and sweet. However, when I am at work, I tend to speak with confidence. I am terrible at debating controversial subjects. I figure the other person is already attached to their opinion, so why bother. Many times, especially with authoritative men, I will only speak my Truth when I have finally reached my limit and am forced to do so. My relationship with men has changed drastically, especially in the last 2 years, but I know I need to be able to speak my Truth at all times with all people.
This recognition happened all in a matter of minutes while sitting in the meadow in front of the three trees. My hands scan my whole body once again. As my hands reach my throat I put them closer together and push the negative energy away from my body. I do the same for my solar plexus region. A slight clearing sensation follows.
My walk on Mt. Tabor was only about 1.5 hours although it felt as if I was there all day. Gratitude comes to mind as I end this blog. Gratitude for having this moment to write, gratitude to dance, gratitude to know that I can now give myself the freedom to express myself once again through my voice. It may stir up past trauma, but that is the very reason why we have a voice. Our voice is a tool to communicate not only with others more clearly, but communicate with ourselves in a more honest way. I finally feel I can start singing again. It may not be pretty, and it will most likely feel awkward at first. One thing that is definite though, is that when I do start singing…It is going to be loud!
Susan started to cultivate a deeper relationship with the Creator four years ago when she was introduced to the works of Eckhart Tolle's, "The Power of Now" by Jim Tolles. Her life has been transformed in countless ways since then.