Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Post-Awakening Challenges: The Lost Gray World of Apathy

I've got a lot of groundwork to lay before diving into this topic. First off, this is a topic specifically for people after a big spiritual awakening. This isn't for people who are generally disconnected with their hearts or still living in the teenaged-angst space of knowing that this world is screwed up, but not knowing how to change it. This also isn't depression and not meant to speak to chemical imbalances. This is speaking to people who have awoken and touched deep divine connection, and now you're learning how to embody that truth on every level from your nose hair to your heart to your pinky toes.

You've likely had a lot of stuff shift already in your inner world, which is also likely to have shifted a lot in your outer world. You may feel exhausted a lot as you feel yourself being completely re-structured from the inside out. It's a very profound place, and it requires a ton of self-care. I wrote about how spiritual self-work becomes self-care  in an earlier blog in May 2011. It's an important distinction because after the awakening, you know there's no place to go, nothing to do, and nothing to earn. But you also know that you're not internally complete, so you have to learn how to care for yourself or else you get lost in the gray, indifference of apathy.

Nothing Matters Anymore; All Is the Same
Apathy likes to set in after this big shift and before everything is really settled in to complete your shift. Here are a couple of reasons why:
  1. Depletion. You're so energy-tired that you don't have the energy to do anything, and you become indifferent partially because the ego part of you that's still clinging to control feels so defeated. That ego hasn't fully let go yet, and that's blocking the deeper connection that nourishes you.
  2. Split. You're still trying to live in two worlds. Your old self wants one thing. Your new/true self wants a different thing. It makes everything look unappealing, and you become indecisive and indifferent because of this split.
  3. Multiple Deep Healings. When your awakening is healing so much in you, each part may need a different type of activity, shift, or healing. You may only have energy for one because of the state you're in, so bringing some gentle focus for one area of yourself to be healed may help to keep you from being so dissipated.

As the old ego is released, we can tap into a deeper flow that helps us to feel connected at all times. In many ways, this specific kind of apathy is a disconnect. It's a sign that we need to find a way to re-connect again.

Self-Healing and Healing Practices Needed
Another way to look at this post-spiritual awakening timeframe before everything settles into you is to look at it as being a car with one engine out of you and a new one about to go into you. It's really hard to do anything or go any place. A part of your ego probably thinks it still needs to be doing something, and as I mentioned, the ego is still clinging to control. It becomes extremely evident where we are still trying to hang on to our control because it becomes an intense energy blockage. We are getting in the way of the deeper flow that is now freely moving through us--or at least trying to freely move in spite of whatever we're doing.

This is very different than what happens for most people before awakening. Before awakening, self-work is critical for most people. You haven't opened yourself up, and many ideas around what "openness" are in spiritual circles are actually very immature. Just gushing your heart out towards people is silly and often shows your own needs and desires to help or be validated versus actually being sensitive to the deeper needs of the situation. Certainly, there are worse hobbies to have, but in this instance and many others, doing your own spiritual work is critical to create space for awakening to germinate and bloom. After that, the type of self-care and healing that is needed is very different, although there is some overlap. But you have to bring that energy inwards and not be depleting yourself through old, unhealthy ideas about "helping." If you cannot help yourself, you cannot help others.

Deep Wounds Requiring More Connection
Oftentimes, people come to the spiritual path because nothing else can heal them. Everything else leaves them wanting and still feeling the hurt inside them. When awakening arrives for them, it begins to clean out these old injuries, which can require a tremendous amount of love and energy. The more deeply hurt someone is, the more help and love the individual often needs to clean out these wounds. It's not that you can't do it by yourself, but a lot of times it's nice to not have to be the patient and doctor at the same time, depending on the issue. Physical abuse, rape, and other heavy issues can require a lot of energy-work, and having a dedicated healing practitioner, psychologist, and/or other helpful healers can be a tremendous support as you rapidly release negativity, pain, and toxins on psychological, emotional, physical, and psychic levels. During awakening, the whole clean-out is going on.

Lost in the Grayness
What's particularly strange about this space is because of how much it feels like the polar opposite of bliss and deep spiritual connection. It's almost trying to masquerade as a kind of really messed up enlightenment because everything just feels equal and equally uninteresting. It also feels like there's nothing that you can really do right, so why do anything. Everything feels gray and unsatisfying in a very deep and upsetting way. To offer a frame of reference, the enlightened part feels like everything is equally beautiful, and there's no wrong way to live your life. So, they're two very different spaces, and sometimes, you simply have to be with that deep apathy. And sometimes, you have to find some kind of energy healing or Source connection to replenish you. And sometimes, you have to dig down a layer into the ego that's still trying to hold on and practice letting go further.

It really depends on what's going on for you, and sometimes in the grayness, things are particularly messy. A lot of you have multiple issues being cleared at once, and with parts of you not fully letting go, you can't keep yourself connected to Source appropriately. Bringing your focus on one thing to heal at a time may be helpful to make a process that can feel overwhelming a little bit more tenable. It's not that you can manage your awakening exactly, but awakening energy is very smart. I've found that I can hold "conversations" of sorts with my energy to help it know what I need. But in turn, I've found that there are times when I have to make space just so it can run and do what it needs to do.

Finding Your Way Out of the Fog
For the many shifts I've had, I've eventually come back out of the fog. Especially when there's a general "upgrade" to my awareness, I suddenly am interacting with myself and others in a new way afterwards. It requires renewed work with the outer world to manifest these new connections, and it often ushers in a time of letting go of some relationships and receiving new ones. It's much similar to how I've described our egos as being sandcastles in my How to Build Your Sandcastle blog. An old self has been washed away, and a new one is being born. Embrace it. Know that it is temporary, and another wave will wash this one away too. But that's okay, and the grayness that comes won't last. But be good to yourself and be kind. Surround yourself with a loving support network to help yourself through these days, and if nothing else, just give yourself space to let go and trust the process.
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