Wednesday, October 10, 2012
3 Helpful Spirituality Blogs and a Student's Thoughts on Each Post
In January 2009, my life stopped “working.” I fell to my knees in exhaustion (the contraction kicked in.) My life had become all smashed up. First, my skin broke out into the worst case of acne I've ever experienced to the point where I didn't want to leave the house, and my friends were getting upset I wouldn’t want to see them. My 5-year relationship ended, and my dream job in NYC turned into a miserable environment that I dreaded waking up to go to. I couldn’t escape the misery; it was only building.
Like Jim mentions “low energy,” I was really stuck in that space where I was met with despair, confusion and sooo much self-hatred. I can remember it like it was yesterday. The pain was so great that within hours I decided I needed to leave everything. So I did. I threw everything I could fit into my car and booked it to Pittsburgh to seek refuge.
Quickly I started to feel an expansion. Dream jobs were being put in front of me without much effort. I moved to four different homes in 3 years. I was in 2 healthy and committed relationships. My desire to smoke cigarettes, drink, and eat poorly left, and I found myself plugged into 5 different spiritual and environment groups.
And as of these past two weeks my relationship with the Divine Spirit and others is greatly expanding. I can feel my cells are in harmony, it’s nothing like I have experienced before. I am finding I have so more space for my own self-love and love for others.
Geeze, I'm only 27.
Like Jim writes, "The spiritual path is a path of loss." I find that there is a correlation; the more I let go and surrender my need to control life, the more at peace I am.
Recently, I have been trying to relinquish my old ego and make space for a cleaner and more enlightened ego. I find myself crying a lot recently over really simple things. Yesterday I started crying because the autumn leaves were starting to fall. A week ago I was reading a beautiful reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians in church for my brother’s wedding, and I started crying in front of the whole service. I feel really open, like emotions and feelings are passing quickly and intensely through me.
The words "Just let go" bring up so much anxiety! I can feel it swell up in my root chakra. I never felt very safe or protected growing up, and I have purposely tried attaching to people, places, and things to develop a false sense of security. The idea of letting go and not knowing what the outcome will be triggers a very deep fear of feeling unsafe. I also start to feel fear, the need to control even more, and strong rage, which is followed by confusion.
For so many years I have been practicing how to control, manipulate, and shape my life to avoid the fear of the unknown. I was really trying to avoid myself and uncomfortable feelings. But now I see what Jim is saying; we really have no control over our lives. And that trying to control it and others is harmful and leads to much unnecessary pain. He mentions, "You wake up in the singular moment when you let go of all resistance." This has brought clarity to a lot of my own sleeping internal dragons.
In my morning meditation and throughout the day I practice surrendering and letting go. I am trusting that Divine Love is, always has been, and always will be taking care of me and that it is safe to take my hands off the steering wheel.