Yes, it is a muddy gray world sometimes. Just like when you hoist some junk up off the bottom of the lake, the whole lake gets muddier for awhile even though the junk is now out of that "system."
So let's take some time looking at what happens after a release and why the clearing and processing that leads to deeper integration can be just as challenging as the build up beforehand.
As healing and expansion ignite after the awakening, realization strikes...repeatedly. The body shows you hidden pain in your armpit that you'd never realized. The heart begins to purge the pain of an old ex-lover. The mind realizes that you've never really voiced your true thoughts to a partner. All kinds of things come up, and with that light of realization, all the supporting lies, illusions, and pain around a core issue get lit up. They then start to burn up. Things get darker and smoker at times (although not always). You may feel like you somehow took a big step backwards. "Shouldn't I be feeling better?" Not always immediately, but yes, you most likely will.
Many Kinds of Healing and Growing CyclesInitially, a lot of you are finding tons of pain, ignorance, and darkness inside. It's because you never really looked. You liked your lies. Even the lies that were crappy (such as how you had to work hard all the time to get approval) were at least familiar. But healing is spontaneous and fresh in the moment. As such, it is utterly unknown and unfamiliar all the time. What I try to do is to give you some flavors of how this can go, but until you are in the middle of it, these words are just ideas for many of you. And with each new issue, it can feel brand new again. You are back in the unknown. All this inner turbulence is stirred up, and you don't know where any of it is leading.
In the throes of the more intense awakening, people are healing and growing on multiple levels. As such, it can mean that you are just looking into a mind issue while having a realization on the heart level while clearing out a karmic grudge on the soul level. Some of this you will have a greater intellectual understanding of, but some of it you won't because it isn't operating much on the level of the mind, which is the home of intellectual understanding. It forces you to embrace the unknown, which is the truth about life. We never really know what is going to happen or arise in any moment, and the more we trust the process arising within, the better we can allow these healing and growing cycles to do their divine work.
But for those of you who feel like you never get a break because so much is going on, all I can say is to be soft and gentle with yourself. A lot of self-care is needed. A lot. And self-care changes by the issue. The mind may need words of wisdom such as what you are reading today. The heart may need someone to say "I love you" today (I love you!). The body may need to relax into pigeon pose for about a half hour. And then those tools won't help you with whatever moves next (although love is usually pretty solid for just about everything).
Washing Things Out on Their Own TimingThere is no way to speed this up other than to relax into it. Doing too much can inhibit the process as much as doing nothing can. It really is up to you find the right dance of action in the form of self-care and rest. In instances where you have had physical releases, you may need to re-structure some of your physical activity to come into better alignment with your body. If you hip has had an opening (and on the physical level that means your hip literally has more flexibility), it may bring to light other areas that are tight. It may suddenly want you to workout in a slightly new way to maintain that new found agility and flexibility. It may ask nothing of you too. Every issue is different and moves in its own way.
What will cause the most upset will be trying to force things or thinking that you know what the end goal of a realization on any level should be. You may jump to a conclusion that if you aren't supposed to eat dairy, then you should be totally raw foods vegan. But that is an idea. Or rather, it is a set of ideas. The body doesn't speak in ideas. If you truly have had this realization on the body level, dairy and all animal products will feel awful when you put them into your body. That is how your body talks. The more you practice tuning into your body wisdom, the more quickly you'll be able to hear when a food is not working for you. And you certainly won't keep eating it out of politeness for someone else who made that food for you. That is nonsense. Food is about nourishing us, not feeding someone else's ego.
Identifying a ClearingIt shouldn't be too hard to identify a clearing if you are working with only one or two issues. However, as I mentioned, the initial phase of awakening can be intense. The whole of Pandora's Box has been opened up inside, so it's a challenge to identify these different cycles. As the mud settles though, it is easier to identify a post-realization clearing because you tend to feel more open, more loving, more flexible, and more alive in general. This is what separates a release versus the relief of an issue going back into remission. If it goes back into remission, it'll just get reignited again. When something releases, it's gone for good.
Because we are human beings, we tend to go through a lot of partial releases, and we tend to have a big issue spread out across us on multiple levels. Most issues aren't just confined to the mind. We feel them and act them out as well as believe in them. If you have a lack of self-love issue, you probably have been acting it out on multiple levels. All kinds of pain have been stored up inside of you because you've been telling yourself that you aren't worthy of love again and again. This has very likely called in relationships and situations that have reinforced this belief, and since you on some level want to believe this awful story, you remember those specific events. When you start to look through this lie, all kinds of things shift dramatically inside, and it can overload your ability to flush it out if you are not mindful with your self-care.
Running Out of Energy and Getting SickThere's no way to measure how much energy is needed in this. All I can tell you is that it tends to require a lot. The more healing and spiritual growth, the more energy is required to go within. That's why some of you can feel such intense chronic fatigue. You don't have any energy for the outside world. It is all being required for these deeper changes. Granted, not everyone gets this type of fatigue. Everyone's path and life lessons are different. For the individual who has avoided action their whole life, they may suddenly get a lot of energy, but then that energy must be used mindfully to move the person further on their path and not be wasted on things that aren't important to the person at the soul level.
In regards to running out of energy, there are a couple of tell-tale signs that it's time to give yourself some more rest. This only apply if you've had an awakening and are clearing an issue:
- Getting really cold
- Starting to get sick or actually getting physically sick
- Feeling exhausted when resting (at this point, some sound healing or meditation may be needed to boost the energy back up)
- Feeling desperate and full of despair
There are others, and as you get to know yourself, you'll be able to figure out your tell-tale signs that you're running low on energy.
Renewal, Opening, and Expansion
And this isn't meant to be an impossible journey. Rather, we've usually found out how impossible we've been making life. That's why we can go through such intensity. We've been so broken for so long that things have melded together in unhealthy ways. All those poorly healed bones in our lives have to be broken again and then re-set. But if you do that, you're not running in a marathons just yet, are you? No, there is a rehab time, and I suppose that's another way to look at this topic today. You are rehabbing, and as you get to being a healthy version of yourself, that is still only walking. It is not yet running, and in this way, a lot of you may become quite excited at the possibilities before you. You start to see how much more space and life is in your life, and when you are a healed and growing person, you have vast capacities. You have no idea. As such, renewal, opening, and expansion become a very real and felt experience. No one can really tell you about this either. You have to feel it to know it.
Another Dive Down into the Depth
As I've mentioned elsewhere, these healing and growing spiritual shifts go in cycles. With a new level of realization processed and the old pain cleared, you can now see more about yourself. You soon find new limitations. Or rather, you find old limitations that had been invisible to you until now. As you go deeper, issues have a way of becoming more hidden and more obvious at the same time. How you think and act are often clues to these deeper issues that have been the invisible hands pulling the strings you're attached to. But take heart, if you are awake and this process has been ignited, you will naturally dive deeper and come to deeper and fuller realizations. The lack of self-love issue will be revealed again and again, and each time you release more of it, more life and vitality is your reward. All the pieces of you that have been cut off get brought back together. The pain carving up your soul is released and processed out, and you become a clearer and clearer being radiating light, life, and love.